um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
