your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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