I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
