i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
