I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
