this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
