I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize