He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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