He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Non-Jews are for practice
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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