did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
