haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
