she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
