Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
