I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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