Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
