if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
