Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
