I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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