if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he thought i was a dude.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
