Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
