You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
