Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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