I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
