Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
