ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
