Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
