i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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