Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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