Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
