Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
