Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize