I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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