she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
