Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize