3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
