i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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