Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
