Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
