There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
