Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
