Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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