don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The adults are the big ones right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
