My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
