If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
