Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
