My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
