Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my shit smells like andre
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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