i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
