I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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