How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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