oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
