why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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