at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
