she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You made out with two different species that night
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
