just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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