Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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