does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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