Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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