Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
