Already got asked if we're dating
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
