your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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